Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Your cock deserves a montage
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
