rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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