Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
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I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
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