Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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