you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
