bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
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I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
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I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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