He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
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He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
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I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas