I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
false alarm. still invincible.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.