Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
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Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
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I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?