i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
