Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
