Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
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She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
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I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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