lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
