I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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