apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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