i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
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the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
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Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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