just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
