Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
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you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
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