My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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