watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
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My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
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Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter