It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.