Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog