Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
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The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
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Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.