What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
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I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
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Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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