What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
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He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
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He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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