if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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