some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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