so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
