i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.