Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.