apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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