I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
