college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
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