all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...