i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker