i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
