i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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