My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
