Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
