She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
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Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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