Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
