At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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