my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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