happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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