Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is