I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow