first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I wish life had little blips of pornography
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
