you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
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