He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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