I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships