there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
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Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
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Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.