just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
