It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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