My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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