After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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