Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
