Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
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Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
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how many dildos make it a "collection?"
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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