This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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